too sentimental

 (something I wrote a while ago)

Before I lay down to bed today, I kissed my girls goodnight..and whispered "goodnight Nel..goodnight Jojo bubs.." Then I watched them drift off to sleep while I remained awake. The same sad thought visited me...that they are growing up too fast. 2011 is almost gone...it's slipped through my fingers like sand.

I remember happy moments in 2011...and I also remember feelings of panic and fatigue in trying to catch up with schedules and datelines. I remember feeling contented and happy with my home, and sometimes frustrated when things were not in place because I wasn't able to cope. As I reflect back..I do wish I could go back, pick up some pieces and redo certain things...but alas..time is like the kite that you've accidentally let go in that stormy wind. You run and chase with all your might, but you never get to catch it ever again.

As I write, I'm thinking back of Nel as a toddler. I smile as I think back of those days. She was a child with an infectious laughter. She found most things amusing...and she was one with a wonderful sense of humour who also loved playing pranks. (she still does..but less now.) She had lots of questions, a strong will power, and was constantly on the move. All of a sudden, here she is, going on 10 next year. In place of that giggly headstrong active child, now I have a dreamer, lost in her own world most of the time. She's sensitive..and instead of blurting all her thoughts out as she used to do, now she has many unspoken thoughts. 

Sometimes I wonder and I ask her "Nel, can you tell me what you're thinking of?" Sometimes she answers...sometimes she replies "Nothing mum." That certain candid phase of her childhood seems to have passed. There's a newness in or relationship and a different wonderful feeling when I walk with her, with her head now slightly above my shoulders. It's a feeling of quiet understanding, ....and I'm lost for words here, can't quite describe it. In place of the bouncy child with chubby hands, is now a slender young girl who walks dreamily, quietly observing and sometimes we enjoy a real conversation with each other. 

This Christmas she insisted that she wanted to buy me presents with her own pocket money. When I said "You don't have to," she replied "Why do you stop me mum? Why can't I be allowed to buy you something?" I replied "Ok, go ahead Nel..I'll accept it with love."

As for Jo..she was the tough one with really terrible twos who had me crying many nights because I couldn't cope with her. Now she's the famous lizard catcher who talks too much. She's gotten quite good at arguing and reminds me of my own faults and when I break the rules I've given them. I'm afraid that too soon..she too will move out of this candid phase and become the second dreamer.

I'm too sentimental...I must learn to let go and realise that growth happens and I can't stop it. I can only be here for them, grow with them and help them become the persons they're meant to be.

For that,I pray for vision..that I'll be able to see what my children were intended to be. I pray for courage... to accept growth and change.... I pray for a lot more things..for all that's needed to be a better mother and wife to my husband.

*Note..my girls do still quarrel and drive me crazy with that. And also..they still do play together and have many crazy laughing moments. Times when they're both child like and playing are precious moments which I cherish greatly. Oh well...it's almost 2am. Happy New Year all..and here's to 2012.

~~Martha