You and I

Batik Work in Progress...child hugging pregnant mum as they picnic in a garden

To my oldest child,

This is how it was before your sibbling came along. It was just you and me all the time.

You and I walking as the sun set, 

  You and I, huddled together in bed, reading a book...

   You and I, giggling and laughing as we jump puddles together in that open field after the rain...

            You and I.. a hundred thousand beautiful memories (some with papa in it)

Then I got pregnant....it was still you and I. You were very excited,
knowing you'd soon have another companion who'd play with you. Still we spent many lovely moments together ,

     You and I walking the dog after the cool rain,

           You and I,  swimming under moonlight....................

   You and I, eating tiramisu in some Italian restaurant ......................and falling asleep together as you held my finger. 

                You and I...a hundred thousand beautiful memories (with baby in the womb)

Then late pregnancy came, and I could no longer carry you, (Doctor's orders), still you'd sit on my lap reading a book, or listening to me telling a story.  We still spent lots of time together, such as the time when  we picnicked in the garden just like in the picture.  You hugging me close, and I enjoying your sweet, tender presence.

Then baby was born, and I know I neglected you. I just didn't know how to cope with baby, household chores and work. There was also grandma who stayed with us after her operation. I just didn't know how to cope, I was in shambles, often in tears, but you were still there for me. You the tiny one, there for her overgrown sized mama. haha....

We'd still read books together, you by my side as I fed baby. But most of the time, I'd be in my darkest mood and you somewhere else in the house. But when you noticed my tears, you'd sneak in, tuck a pilllow under my arm as I fed baby, or pecked me softly on my cheek before running off.

For the first time, I spoke angry words at you, and I know you suddenly felt second best. It wasn't my intention to make you feel that way...wasn't my intention to hurt you. 

But oh...my human weaknesses..I despise that side of me. 

So for the times when I was/am a mean and a horrid mum, I ask you to smack me forgive me.

For today, I woke with a smile on my face. Memories are coming back to me...I'm thinking back to the moments when it was just you and I, you and I in that garden,  you and I falling asleep together, you and I jumping in puddles, you and I taking walks together.

I'm thinking back to the first day I carried you home and gave you a name and called you. Yes, my oldest, I love you as much as I did from the time you were conceived, as much as the time when I first held you. I love you as who you are today,  and I will always do.

p/s Now its, you, Jo and I, walkin together....you, Jo and I exploring streams together...you, Jo and I..creating beautiful memories together. xoxo......Mum.

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The above was written as an honest account of what some of my days were/ are like. Also, as I walk in malls, parks, I've noticed the same thing in many mums, talking sweetly with their younger child and turning around and scolding the older one in public. I often  feel bad/sad for that older child.

I guess, we all have our own weaknesses..for we are not perfect. May we all constantly seek to learn, and to improve ourselves through our mistakes. And like I've said before somewhere in the blog..it's ok to say sorry to our own children when we hurt them. Saying "sorry" heals and soothes the wound away, and makes space for mother and child to bond and grow closer together.

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(When my oldest was born, I kept an actual diary for her, where I'd write letters to her. I printed some abstracts from that diary here..Dear Nel)

Dear Nel...(Excerpts taken from letters written to my daughter)

When my dear Nel was born, I started a diary for her. I wrote her letters now and then, for her to read one day. Here are excerpts from some of the letters I wrote to my dearest Nel.

A drawing of her

Dearest Nel.........

25/5

You were born at 8.50am by cesarean. They had tried inducing mummy but my cervix wouldn't dilate more than 1 cm, and you still hadn't engaged. Doctor said you had the cord around your neck....................................

Finally I felt a strong push on my abdomen and a tugging. Then I heard a loud beautiful wail! That was you darling, coming into the world. You had strong lungs, you were red and beautiful............................

I just fed you a while ago and burped you for the very first time. Wow, what loud burps you let out and now you're fast asleep. Just U and me. I love you sweetheart....ummmahhhhh kisses from your mummy.

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27th May
Today mummy's discharged, but doctor says you've got jaundice. You have to stay 2 extra days. I'm home and missing you so much. In half hour's time daddy and I are gonna drive to see you. Can't wait to hold you and smell you. i love you...
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28th May

Hi my darling sleepy head..So I'm here at the hospital to see you and guess what? You refused to wake up. :) You're so beautiful.................
(Thank you Father in Heaven, I give you praise and thanks for Nel.)

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31/5
Last night I was so tired and frustrated about nursing I cried...............You refused to sleep and were wide awake for a long time.......I love holding you and carrying you and feeling your soft hair and chubby cheeks against mine. xoxo..mum.
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12/7
you're an active baby, the best moments with you are always in the morning. You've added "ah-goo" to your vocab and your smile is sooo cute. :) ...........We have to be near you coz you don't sleep for long stretches, but I'm hoping you will, at least for the night. ummmahh (kisses from mummy.)

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31/7
This morning you started giggling and laughing out loud! Your laughter brings so much joy to my heart and I think about you often, even when I'm at work.

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20/9
dear nel..I find myself constantly thinking about you now at work and can never wait to come home. I miss you when I'm away. You've developed a really cute and infectious laughter!

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21/2 (Nel aged 1 year ++)

We took you running n a big field. you were so happy, laughing always and trying to catch up with us. You sing all the time, familiar songs and songs you make up on your own. You make me smile all the time. Love you.

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24/4 (Nel almost 3)

How time flies. I've no regrets giving up my full time job so I can be with you. You sing so well and are a creative dancer. I've to remind myself to worship at church instead of looking at your cute dances. ;)

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30/8 (Jo's born)

Dear Nel, it's been 3 weeks since your little sis was born. All of a sudden you've changed. You've started shouting at others, crying for nothing, hitting others and I really wonder where's my little smiling Nel.......................

I hope this is a temporary phase. You were such a good companion during my pregnancy. You brought me pillows to soothe my back aches, you  gave me kisses to brighten my days, you stayed up with me nights I couldn't sleep.

 But at the moment you've changed so much. I'm sorry if I've not been so patient with you lately. I've had a Cesarean again, and Jo's nursing all the time.
I thank God you're gentle with your sister..I'll have more time for you again soon. I love you very much, and my heart aches every time you cry......

Some days your grandparents would take you home for a day or two and I'd cry and cry from missing you, for neglecting you....

 I love your sister Jo, and I love you very very much. Nothing can EVER change that. You'll always be my baby. I sign off with tears. With all my love...mummy.

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30/5
My prayer is that you and Jo will really love one another, protect one another and stand up for one another, through thick and thin, no matter what.
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4/9
Dear Nel...Today's the 1st time I held you in my arms like a baby all over again. Oh how you've grown. I've not held you like this in a long time coz of my c-section. you've been on a growth spurt! ;) It feels so nice to hug you and hold you close again. You responded by talking like a baby! :)