Another visitor

As I await for the insurance to confirm payment for my surgery (read last post), I vacillate between feeling totally confident and feeling fear in my heart. It's strange. I guess, googling too much is not good for there is a lot of bad news, and negative feedback about surgeries gone wrong.

There's one thing I've learnt, you can never understand the feelings of someone going through such a situation till you've been in it yourself. The fear is unimaginable, the crying, the surge of strength, the faith, the confusion, the thousands of emotions and  thoughts that flood the mind.

Anyway, while doing my devotion today, the chapter talked on joy. What brings joy. I thought of nature, the things God brought to my garden during that day of confusion that gave me joy. Well, the dragonfly has flown off, and I know it has to in order to find its mate, to continue its generation.

 But I had a new visitor this morning. It made such a ruckus outside my window. I ignored it at first, but it continued impatiently, noisily, distractingly. I looked out, and saw this male Olive Sunbird, enjoying a delicious drink of nectar from my wild banana plant. Alas when I got my camera, I only managed this blur shot, and then it was gone. I guess, God's way of cheering me up. :)

@poundthegarlic.blogspot.com 2012

A time of Inner Contemplation

I awoke last Tues, with a strange ringing in my ear. The buzz was so loud it felt like there was an air-cond in my ear. Later when my child spoke, I heard two distinct pitches in my left ear, her voice came out (if you understand music) in two tones, perfect fourth apart. I panicked. I switched on some music, and realised that the left ear could not detect higher notes, while the right could.

Panic set in, and the following day headaches started. As a musician, my ears are precious, I drove to the ENT, where they found nothing wrong with my ear but cautioned that if the buzzing continued, I could loose my hearing partially. I became depressed.

As the headaches continued, it came with nausea, a sense of imbalance, sensitivity to sounds and light. Because I felt the pain down my neck, I went to see a spinal surgeon who got me to do an MRI. I thank God that incidentally the found the enlarged pituitary gland. From then I was asked to see a neurosurgeon, followed by another MRI of the brain.

What they found was a Pituitary Macroadenoma in my gland which had haemorrhaged. Being one who is "afraid" of doctors and procedures, that shook my world. I went between depression and extreme fear to eventually increased in faith as many wonderful friends came my way and started praying for me.

My dear husband took days off for work to sit with me as I went through a series of tests. On one of those long days, when he had to get back to work, a dear friend Dr. Chan, insisted she went with me to the hospital despite multiple protests from me. I was strengthened by her faith, her prayers and encouragement. I thank God for these angels and sms's that have strengthened me. (You know who you are.)

I Praise God that because of the prayers, the headaches have subsided. I quote the Endocrinologist "I'm surprised that in your state, that you're not in more pain." Truly, it is God in control of me. I also praise God, as doctors have stated another 1mm of swelling could have caused me vision loss. Thank God for protecting my precious eyes.

So many thoughts have gone through my head in just this one week. It has opened my eyes and heart in a way I cannot describe. from the way I look at life, my priorities, my relationship and faith in God, my relationship with my children and husband, my friends around me. As these thoughts come, I've been journaling them in a book I keep as I read the BIble.

Well...another thing is Praise God, my blood tests have come back normal, and I will meet the neurosurgeon tomorrow. Both he and the endocrinologist have said it's best to take the tumor out to prevent risk of a second hemorrhage. I know it is a delicate operation, and they've told me, will take about 3 hours. I'm praying that it will go well, that none of the precious cells around it will be sacrificed in the process. Sure many have gone through it, but to go through it myself, is different and I understand now the fear people have been through in such a situation. Above all I know God is in control, from the way He helped me to trace the source of headaches to this point. He is my refuge and strength.

Finally, as I struggled to distract my own thoughts, I sought my camera and went out to my tiny garden.

 I saw this new shoot growing, and it promised me, new life. As a dear friend prayed for me yesterday, she said "Sometimes, God prunes, and He cuts off much, till we're almost bare, but that is so the best shoots may come forth."

Then next to it, growing on  roots were these mushrooms that grew so peacefully.

Finally, still a little troubled, I heard a voice saying, "Look up Martha, the dragonflies that have come and gone from your Kedondong tree are back. I looked up, and true enough, there it was, sitting on top of the branch, displaying its beautiful wings. It's meaningful to me, as this dragonfly that's back today, has been gone for some time. It's morphed and now an adult. It shows how in shading of it's old skin, it has become bigger, stronger, more powerful.

Here it almost seems as if it's looking at me doesn't it.

In all things, I give thanks coz I know, God my maker, holds my life in His hands, and He is watching over me.

martha@poundthegarlic.blogspot.com 2012

Words...

 The picture on the left is something I briefly did using MrDoob.com. It is an  image that came to mind when I was self-searching and came across a book for mothers. The author asked "So how often have you been chopping others down with your words."

I pictured my children and husband as trees, and me, the mum who had the power of words in her tongue. My words could be used to encourage and lift my family up, or to chop them down swiftly with negative words.

Of late, I admit, I've been on the crankier side of life. Sometimes life seems to feel like me supporting a heavy blanket that will not lift off. As I get overheated under that weight, I let it out on the ones I love most. I let it out in negative words.

I'm thankful that, it's not taken me long to realise this, as I'm not comfortable with this part of me either. It is something that wasn't there before but is surfacing.,...thus the self searching. The above picture is not the original one I drew. In the original drawing with pencil, as I sketched, tears streamed down my face as I drew each broken branch, feeling the hurts that words can leave on a dear one. As I drew, I prayed, and asked that God would give me strength to use my tongue wisely.
May the words I use encourage those I love.  May I use words to build my family, that they may feel confident and proud of themselves, that they may face the world with joy, and not a downcast spirit.

I know, all this has to begin with me. But I alone cannot change, I cannot support myself. So, actually, it all boils down to me, leaning on my Rock, my Maker, my God. I know, without God, it is not possible for me to fulfill my duties of a mother, wife and teacher with joy. But I know, with Him it is possible. As a dear friend who talked with me said, "time to slow down, and seek His face...to dwell in God.."  Indeed, only in God can one find solace, comfort, peace, wisdom, joy and strength.



@poundthegarlic.blogspot.com 2012

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Loner

He was sitting alone, looking out towards the ocean when I spotted him. He was in his own world some 150 to 200  meters below me, away from the maddening weekend crowd. I was walking the tourists bridge with many other people who stopped to take pictures of themselves, to chat, to laugh and just to enjoy the view of the ocean.

Yet, by instinct he suddenly turned up towards me, and looked me in the eye, his gaze bold and confident. He knew I was watching him. Such is the power of God given instinct, that he was able to "feel" me despite the large crowd around me.

It is strange to describe to you, how in that moment we connected for a while. I saw his boldness, his survival instinct, his non conformity. I sensed that he  knew that he was "untouchable", indomitable.

I know not what he saw in me, if only I could read his mind.

Anyway, intrigued by his "aloneness" and confidence, I snapped a photo of him. Then he decided that no, he was not to be disturbed today. So he got up,

and sauntered confidently, slowly, away into some dark corner between the rocks, somehow knowing that I was still watching him. Born wild, born free. Not a care about what others think of him.
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~How do you feel about being alone in public, let's say dining at a restaurant alone or being alone at a party? Are you able to be yourself, confident? Or are you conscious "fearing" that others may think you're a loner without friends? When I was a child, being alone carried a negative stigma thus people always wanted to be in the "in" crowd, to be popular. A loner was often teased.

Do you turn down invites to gatherings and stuff because you are afraid to be alone in a crowd?

As for me, this is my struggle, and I'm still working on it. Perhaps that's what drew me to that cat.

 
@poundthegarlic.blogspot.com 2012

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The Unnoticeables- Through the Eyes of My Children

Have you ever stopped to watch a snail or a millipede cross the road? Or shushed up a while and really, really listened carefully to the rhythmic chirping of the crickets at night?  Have you noticed the funny way a Minor bird walks and moves its head? Did you stop to listen to it make funny "knocking" and "quacking" sounds? Have you taken time to walk with your children and look at the world through their eyes?

I  fondly recall days when I used to go for long walks with my toddler holding my hand, and a baby tucked warmly in my "sarong". Those were walks much needed to stop the crying of  my colicky baby, to melt my stress away and to use up the pent up energy of my toddler. Those walks opened my eyes to the wonders of nature, through the eyes of my child.

Yes, I have stopped to watch the millipede cross the road, listened and analyzed the rhythm of the crickets, watched and giggled at the minor bird and  all because my children told me to stop, observe and listen. My children have taught me to appreciate the beauty of little things that we so often ignore and pass by without a glance. They taught me to see that beauty is everywhere around us.

Some shots below, inspired by my children, plus some quotes I found online.

Katydid on a purple weed

 A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows. ~Doug Larson

Seeds on a journey to find new ground

"Let mystery have its place in you; do not be always turning up your whole soil with the ploughshare of self-examination, but leave a little fallow corner in your heart ready for any seed the winds may bring..." Henri Frederic Amiel

 

In the heart of a flower

These tiny bells look just like an ordinary weed to a passerby, but up close, it holds so much beauty.

I didn't want to tell the tree or weed what it was. I wanted it to tell me something and through me express its meaning in nature. ~Wynn Bullock.

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My child, Jo, often stops to pick weeds for me. She gives them to me with love often saying "I love you mum, flowers for you." I accept these weeds with joy, for through her eyes, these are beautiful as roses. (Notice some wind blown seeds hanging on to this weed.)

A weed is no more than a flower in disguise, Which is seen through at once, if love give a man eyes. ~ James Russell Lowell

Oh the joy when my children find one of these. My children would huff and puff with all their might to see if these would fly.
 

 “To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter; to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring - these ar” John Burroughs

Believe it or not, my children have even taught me to notice the variety and wonders of the snail world. :) They pick them up, examine the snails thoroughly, poking and prying with their little fingers sometimes while ooing and aahing.

Finally, here's something I noticed  on my own. A lonely rose at dusk. I'd walked by this rose many times, and because I'm not a big fan of roses (but of sunflowers) I'd just glance briefly and nod in acknowledgement  when my children point out it's vibrant colour in the morning.
 But one evening while walking alone I saw it at dusk...and it had a beautiful glow, which I couldn't really capture with my camera. But I saw beauty and it struck something within me. I'm not sure what it is....but perhaps ...I do know, but I'll keep those thoughts to myself.

Finally just a few quotes I found.
 

 There is only one day left, always starting over: it is given to us at dawn and taken away from us at dusk. ~Jean-Paul Sartre

I  mean, it is an extraordinary thing that a large proportion of your country and my country, of the citizens, never see a wild creature from dawn 'til dusk, unless it's a pigeon, which isn't really wild, which might come and settle near them.~(David Attenborough)

Human rights are not a privilege granted by the few, they are a liberty entitled to all, and human rights, by definition, include the rights of all humans, those in the dawn of life, the dusk of life, or the shadows of life.~(Kay Granger)

@poundthegarlic.blogspot.com 2012

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meaningless ramble just to write.

I take up my hose and pinch the end so the water comes out in the form of tiny drops, millions and millions of drops, temporarily defying gravity before falling back to earth. The sun behind pierces these little prisms producing a shimmer of colours that float in air.

I smile to myself at the sight of my "painting" in the sky, an arc of seven colours. Never mind if my neighbour thinks I'm senile. 

I breath in the "after the rain" smell that's emitted when the plants are well watered. I love that smell...I inhale, exhale and smile. I just googled it by the way, about how that smell is created. Here's info I got from "How Stuff Works." It reads,

One of the more pleasant rain smells, the one we often notice in the woods, is actually caused by bacteria! Actinomycetes, a type of filamentous bacteria, grow in soil when conditions are damp and warm. When the soil dries out, the bacteria produces spores in the soil. The wetness and force of rainfall kick these tiny spores up into the air where the moisture after a rain acts as an aerosol (just like an aerosol air freshener). The moist air easily carries the spores to us so we breathe them in. These spores have a distinctive, earthy smell we often associate with rainfall."

Back to reality.

*Sigh*, life it seems, as one ages, can become a burden filled with tension. Sometimes I feel like I'm a dung beetle that's been collecting and rolling piles and piles of dung. The difference is that while the dung beetle will eventually bury the dung into a hole to be used as food later, I carry the dung on my back. Sometimes that dung seeps into my soul, like food for the soul, except that this is shit food. Negative food.

That dung can cause me to become stinky in thought and heart, showing in the form of discontentment, grumpiness, impatience and so on.  If I let it remain on my back, it'll probably rot me to hell.

I'd like to ramble on coz I've a tonne of work to do. That's me, the more work I have piled up before me, the more I like to procrastinate it, till that final minute ticks and there are no more ticks left, then adrenaline and tension forces me to kick start into action. Dang, how many times have I told myself to always work ahead of time? Yet, change is nearly next to impossible. Makes sense? I suppose not, unless you're like me.

With a heavy sigh, I will now cut today's discourse  short, as I've a heap of dung to deal with. Well, dung, and household matters and work related stuff. I've no idea how this ramble went from  me looking senile while enjoying my little homemade rainbow to this dung beetle analogy. All I do know is, I've gotta get back to work now. Yes, 10pm and still working.

Let me also go unload that pile of dung before it becomes filth in my soul. I suppose unloading might include reducing input of negative news such as Bersih 3.0 (which many dear friends and family attended and got tear gassed!),  start doing things ahead of time to reduce tension that comes with procrastination and hanging out with positive people.

Yeah, and I've gotta get back to that rainbow and enjoy the simple things in life, while still balance all these other things that adults have to do. 

Yeap....will go now. Let me start by digging a hole to bury the shit, and then go finish up some work.

Good day all. :)

Walking in the rain helps

It's old news that I often do not sleep well. Some days are better, some days worse. Well these few days have been pretty bad. As I head to bed each night, there is a cacophony of thoughts in my mind, each begging to be heard. And even as I sleep in short bouts, I suspect my mind has been working overtime for they show up in vivid dreams. And finally I awake each morn feeling like I've not slept at all.

To shake this feeling off, I decided on an evening walk with my best poochie (my poodle). Barely 10 mins out, I felt the clutter in my mind clearing, as thoughts began to sort themselves out. But then, black clouds started looming over us, as the faint sound of thunder rumbled in the horizon. Not wanting to turn back coz I badly needed the walk, I told my lil Pooch, "We'll keep walking lil companion. A lil rain won't hurt us. :)"

I expected a thunderstorm, I was sooo ready to get drenched, wet, soaked. I WANTED to get drenched, how delightful it would have been! But it was only a pathetic light rain. Still, as every raindrop touched my skin, I felt liberty, a lightening of weight from my shoulders. Finally, we headed home, and I went in to grab my camera just for a few shots.

Yeah, walking in the rain, plus some photography, is so therapeutic. Try it the next time you feel down. :)

As rain refreshes the leaves, it refreshes my soul. Rain, and a talk with God, that is.

There is still beauty,  even in wilting leaves.

I'm not a poetic person, I'm almost out of words. ..(:P)  but hey....I am right brained  :P

A mushroom...so? Well...I love mushrooms, I love eating them, and I love chancing upon them in some unsuspecting place. It's always a delight to spot a mushroom.

Though my mum frequently eyes my flowers with anticipation, hoping I'd remember the next time to cut some for her to add flavour her already delicious asam curry, I never succeed in cutting these flowers. They are so beautiful to me.

As these flowers were refreshed by the light rain, I think I'm refreshed too, ready to face the coming week.

There's laziness in me bones now, and reluctantly I blog just to keep going less the spark to blog totally dies.This week we took part in the March of the Frogs, we went to watch the Twits (a local theater production which was quite fun to watch), the kids FINALLY visited Kidzania and had a WHOLE day there trying all sorts of roles (thanks to aunty DJ who took them), we went ice-skating with some goody friends .....and yeah, it's basically been an out of the house week...and thus this mama thinks me is tired.

As for learning, Nel's still reading up on environmental science, studying bout energy, and now reading up Renewable Energy. Where we used to struggle with math, there's suddenly a light coming through *wink*, will blog about this when my mind's not so lethargic. She's CRAZY about mysteries right now, and hopes to meet a girl who's equally crazy about mysteries, or better yet, meet Carolyn Keene, the author of Nancy Drew herself.
As for Jo....well apart from her  project on snakes (which she wants to continue studying), we're gonna include now a study on whales (she requested), especially after receiving a very big beautiful poster all about whales from Uncle PA! She's also reading....about...can you guess?? Mermaids of course! Whenever we're at the library, of course, she gets books about mermaids, and her dear sis Jun just got her a new book of mermaids so she's been reading that over and over and over again.

Ok...enough of my boring rambling. Just some random pictures below.

Jo's garden's done well and we cooked our first harvest of Pok Choy. As for the radish, I pulled out one and realised, they're far from ready. Still tiny and will take a couple of weeks more I think. Only one pumpkin plant survive. The rest mysteriously disappeared.

We went help PA clean out his fish tank and of course we wondered if there were any tadpoles under the beautiful leaves...unfortunately none.

And so the girls helped him catch the baby fish out, scrubbed the tank and put in new water for all the creatures that live in his tank.

I'm not sure if Uncle PA will invite them again though...coz they err..ended up playing too much with the fishies.

Had to stop to take a pic of flowers...so tiny, but so beautiful

It's been a while since i Took any pictures of critters. I still haven't gotten any macro lenses....time just doesn't allow me to go buy one. But I saw this beauty sitting on my banana leaf. Managed to get 3 shots before it flew off. This is best as I could get.

And if you've read my blog, you'll now know, I love spiders. Saw this beauty on my banana leaf too. A lot of things have come to my banana plant, from here to there, there to here, funny critters are everywhere.

And because I love spiders, I love webs. Nel was watering the plants when she yelled "Mum, Mum!! Come immediately COME! It's BEAUTIFUL!!!!" (as you can see...my children love critters too). And I saw this beautiful web that she was shouting about, and thus a picture.

..Since we're on the topic of critters, here's one more on my lime leaf. Really really tiny fella! not more than 1mm. Hubby thinks it's a caterpillar, i thought it was a slug. So...I'm not sure what it is...just another funny whiskered old thing.

So what do you think it is??? 

Craving Solitude

I'm a busy mum. I work, I teach, I do most of the house chores, I cook, the list is endless. Sometimes I get burnt out...often, I crave solitude, time alone.

Just today, after a very hectic and rather chaotic class at StART...(a whole new bunch of kids from several different orphanage homes suddenly appeared in my class unannounced, and etc etc..I leave you to imagine how it was..), and with all the extra work piled up from the holidays, I needed my cave, time alone.  I got off work,  drove off in the madness of the evening traffic, my mind wondering, hands and feet moving in auto mode... expecting to get home late, pick up Nel and Jo and head off to mum's for dinner. (What a blessing to have a mum who cooks some days!).

But lo and behold, the traffic for some reason cleared up after a while, and I managed to get home just some precious 20 minutes before my girls got off from Chinese class. I needed that moment of quietness and I received it. I spent those moments pouring out my soul over my piano playing random notes, just listening to the echo of the sound, connecting with an Awesome God....and I felt release. (An excerpt below...)


And then, at night when my dear hubby tucked my girls into bed...I still had that something in my heart...and thus this piece of unplanned art. Unplanned art is a wonderful tool of release, of expression. I  took a piece of blank paper, chose colours that I "felt" (just as I chose sounds on the piano that I felt), and just started painting unplanned, random strokes on paper. Pouring out whatever into that paper.... and here's the art work. I guess, I shall just call it "Craving Solitude."

Martha 5/3/2012

Journey (Morning Ramble)

As the impending gloom of the no.40 draws nearer (well...not for another 10 months) I notice the changes that have happened in my life and the lives of friends around me. Life has inevitably changed us. Some of us have managed to steer it in such a way that things are way better than they were. Some of us are somewhere in limbo, lost without direction, searching for meaning. Some of us have gone into rough waters with no safety ground in sight. Some of us....(the list goes on.)

Just last week as I watched my daughter at swim class, I (and my bro) looked enviously at the teens. Lean, toned bodies, full of energy, vibrancy and strength. Ah....if only I was there again. One of them wanting to get something near me said 'Excuse me aunty, I need to get my bag." Dang, I thought, I used to be you! you!! you!! Now I'm an aunty???"

Remember how as teens we used to think adults were dull, uncool with too many precautionary words? Adults were people who didn't understand? *sigh*  I know, some teens probably think me that way now, coz suddenly, I'm no longer the teen, but that "dull" adult. I think in my head "Hey energetic wonderful teen, frolic all you want and can, but do not look down on the wise words of the dull, and most of all, in a snap of time, you'll be in my position..and I??  *gulp*"

I've gone off topic....(morning ramble...remember?)  So now, back to the lives around me. Life impacts us in many ways. There's no pure state of happiness in life (so if you're on a journey seeking pure happiness and peace, you can give up now.) but a mix of emotions. Inside us, there are a variety of feelings and states that complement and oppose one another. It's the clash of thoughts and emotions that bring tension that's sometimes  hard to relieve. From issues such as global environment to country's politics to family affairs...suddenly we are aware and involved in all these, unlike the teen who thinks he has too much to carry, when really it's just homework (and parents.)

For some of us, we try to handle it  as we tarry. For some..they are able to ignore it all and continue happily :) (yes, the positive thinkers, and believe in laughter people). For some..it has brought them to depression...and some (sadly) towards the path of no return where the mind becomes a wanderer lost in the world of hallucinations.

But we all started almost the same, innocent babies in the womb of our mothers. I'd like to stop my meaningless, meandering ramble here. I'm grateful for my family that keeps me sane, (though at times I think otherwise, esp pertaining to kids), but most of all....as I conclude, I think...it's not me, but God who keeps me going. When days go by without God...  I sometimes feel a darker cloud looming above, the friction of mixed emotions increasing within me and I get agitated, restless.

And snap...I remember........of course, silly me....only the storms in life can be calmed by my Maker. I'm reminded right now as I write..to sit at His feet, listen to HIs voice, and let Him carry my burdens. For life's journey cannot be traversed alone, but only with the help of an Almighty God.

So where am I in my course of life? Ah...that's my secret...but if you ever think I'm "going off" already in my head, then please caution me, tell me before I go off the edge. :)  Happy Weekend people. Remember..stay close to your Maker. :)

~~Martha


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Painting and Horses

So what's your day been like? Mine's as usual rush rush. *sigh* While eating lunch this morning my kids commented "Mum, you're eating too fast again!!"  I looked up at them, realised how my heart was pounding fast, my mind was already on the next chore to be done...and I was just rushing in my head. I was reminded to slow down. I guess, it's just part and parcel of a working mum? I find myself panicking sometimes during the day when time runs short,  and sometimes losing patience with my child. I need to slow down.

Well, after a long day (yes, I worked today despite the public holiday), I came back and relaxed by painting. It's strange, but an introvert like me unwinds by refocusing elsewhere. I always need an outlet for expression, and outlet to destress...and it comes in the form of working on Sudoku, creating music on my piano, painting, photography, swimming, or walks (used to be bowling!). So for this week...when all work's been done, I've been working on a painting. This is only my second attempt ever at oil painting. I'm experimenting, reading, and trying. Well, it's only day 2, and probably many weeks to go as I slowly add layers. Let's hope this turns out well. (Any tips???)

First sketch

little one accompanied me and just had fun feeling the paint on her paint knife

Day 2. Some dark colours on stairs and wall. Also added basic shades on cats, but no details yet. No idea yet on what happens tomorrow or the day after to this painting. Painting is therapeutic. 

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 As for the girls, for many years they've been bugging me for horse lessons. I've always said no, as lessons are way too expensive. I remember loving horses myself when I was young. I dreamt horses, read books and books about horses, but never got to ride one till my college days when I signed up for several cross country riding experiences which I cherish.

Well, my girls have the same passion for horses as I did. Nel loves books about horses,  Jo even runs like a horse with her head bobbing up and down. In her head, she's always a horse of some sort! haha...    Well, finally found a place that offers lessons for a really reasonable rate...so here we are, the girls' dream come true, horse riding lessons. :) Nel's really loving it! As for Jo, she said "My favourite part of class is "Sitting Trot" where you just have to sit." :D

Nel and cousins getting ready for class

Jo in action

I love visiting this stable

Not a clear photo, but this horse was cheeky! haha.. :)

too sentimental

 (something I wrote a while ago)

Before I lay down to bed today, I kissed my girls goodnight..and whispered "goodnight Nel..goodnight Jojo bubs.." Then I watched them drift off to sleep while I remained awake. The same sad thought visited me...that they are growing up too fast. 2011 is almost gone...it's slipped through my fingers like sand.

I remember happy moments in 2011...and I also remember feelings of panic and fatigue in trying to catch up with schedules and datelines. I remember feeling contented and happy with my home, and sometimes frustrated when things were not in place because I wasn't able to cope. As I reflect back..I do wish I could go back, pick up some pieces and redo certain things...but alas..time is like the kite that you've accidentally let go in that stormy wind. You run and chase with all your might, but you never get to catch it ever again.

As I write, I'm thinking back of Nel as a toddler. I smile as I think back of those days. She was a child with an infectious laughter. She found most things amusing...and she was one with a wonderful sense of humour who also loved playing pranks. (she still does..but less now.) She had lots of questions, a strong will power, and was constantly on the move. All of a sudden, here she is, going on 10 next year. In place of that giggly headstrong active child, now I have a dreamer, lost in her own world most of the time. She's sensitive..and instead of blurting all her thoughts out as she used to do, now she has many unspoken thoughts. 

Sometimes I wonder and I ask her "Nel, can you tell me what you're thinking of?" Sometimes she answers...sometimes she replies "Nothing mum." That certain candid phase of her childhood seems to have passed. There's a newness in or relationship and a different wonderful feeling when I walk with her, with her head now slightly above my shoulders. It's a feeling of quiet understanding, ....and I'm lost for words here, can't quite describe it. In place of the bouncy child with chubby hands, is now a slender young girl who walks dreamily, quietly observing and sometimes we enjoy a real conversation with each other. 

This Christmas she insisted that she wanted to buy me presents with her own pocket money. When I said "You don't have to," she replied "Why do you stop me mum? Why can't I be allowed to buy you something?" I replied "Ok, go ahead Nel..I'll accept it with love."

As for Jo..she was the tough one with really terrible twos who had me crying many nights because I couldn't cope with her. Now she's the famous lizard catcher who talks too much. She's gotten quite good at arguing and reminds me of my own faults and when I break the rules I've given them. I'm afraid that too soon..she too will move out of this candid phase and become the second dreamer.

I'm too sentimental...I must learn to let go and realise that growth happens and I can't stop it. I can only be here for them, grow with them and help them become the persons they're meant to be.

For that,I pray for vision..that I'll be able to see what my children were intended to be. I pray for courage... to accept growth and change.... I pray for a lot more things..for all that's needed to be a better mother and wife to my husband.

*Note..my girls do still quarrel and drive me crazy with that. And also..they still do play together and have many crazy laughing moments. Times when they're both child like and playing are precious moments which I cherish greatly. Oh well...it's almost 2am. Happy New Year all..and here's to 2012.

~~Martha

.Habits and Phobias

-I could never understand the phobia some people have towards animals, particularly towards cats and dogs, which I think are tremendously cute and wonderful creatures. My reaction has always been to prod, nudge, encourage and hope that the person with phobia, would take the first step towards "liberation" by touching just a bit of the animal's fur and perhaps eventually falling in love with these lovable creatures.

-I could never understand people's difficulty in breaking addiction in areas like smoking, gambling or computer gaming.

Well...all that's changed recently. When my daughter brought me that huge house lizard, stil wriggling and alive in her hand, I freaked out. She came nearer and nearer to me, and I tried to back away, but alas, she trapped me in a corner. She prodded me, nudged and encouraged me and hoped I'd take the first step by just touching the lizard's body. I totally refused, screamed, shrieked and determined that I would NEVER fall in love or touch such a creature. With that, I've come to realise that perhaps this is exactly how my friends who've a phobia towards furry kids feel.

In relation to addiction.. my hubby recently hinted that I perhaps might have a slight (although I'm sure he meant "great") addiction ...and that is being addicted to FB. I denied it at first..and realise that all people who are addicted to something probably live in denial too.

So there....for today, I've chosen to try and understand the phobias and addiction of others. It's not that they do not want to overcome that phobia, it's because the phobia is REAL! It's not because they do not want to break out of the addiction, it's because while they're in it, it feels good, and to cut it out is like cutting out some air.

Having said that... I will TRY my best,( IF and only IF my daughter catches another lizard), to try and slowly touch, just a bit of that lizard. And if I ever get to the point of carrying that darn squirmy thing in my hand, then I will continue nudging those with Cynophobia, Ailurophobia and other similar phobias to overcome theirs.

As for FB...by hook or by crook..I will surely find a way of cutting down time on it...with time...with time. (see it happening anytime soon??) ;)

In the mean time..I have other phobias...some which I think..are hard to overcome..such as the fear of heights. I'm not in a hurry to work on that one..in fact, i think I'll stay safe on the ground for the rest of my life.

my girl with her lizard

What I learned from Dad (and mum)

When I was growing up, dad was a busy man. Busy with work, busy with sports, busy with church work. Believe it or not, he has medals in almost every game...badminton, squash, basketball, table tennis, carom, golf, chess  ...... a long list isn't it?

Yet, he made time for us, time to talk to us. He also made the most beautiful kites, took us to fields where he'd make his huge kite go up, dive towards the ground and lift off again. I remember chasing and chasing the kite and yet, never catching it.  :)

But what I really learnt from my dad, was his love for "outsiders", orphans and foreigners without home. As a child, our home was often filled with people every weekend. Mum would cook up her best Nyonya dishes, and the house would be filled with people from all sorts of countries, Korea, Japan, Phillippines, East Malaysia, Nigeria etc. They loved coming because of my parent's company. There was much laughter. Somehow, they would end up calling my parents Dad and Mum. Such was my parent's impact on these lives. They cared for people who were newcomers to this land.

Well, upon retirement, my dad took his passion a step further. He began going into interior villages where he saw the living conditions of the OA people. Because he has the wonderful gift of "connecting" very soon the village people recognized him and looked forward to his visits. His heart of compassion drives him to bring in basic necessities for them, and talk with them.

Apart from this, he and my mum dedicate one day a week in going to the refugee school. If you go and see for yourself, you'd know how much the children there love them. And lately now, he's also dedicated his weekends to going to P.Ketam where he provides free English lessons to the children there. I met some of his students recently and it's amazing to note how love has touched them. Their parents can testify that their children who were once bordering on becoming gangsters and school dropouts, have turned around. 

How did it happen? Instead of looking at them as gangsters, my dad saw them as potential leaders. And because he saw them that way, that's what they've turned around to become, true leaders in training. :) My mum (an ex teacher) is also now a regular teacher there, and it's wonderful that they share the same passion. :)

So...I titled this post "Things I learnt from my dad." I'm sure you can tell now what I've learned. While growing up, it wasn't A's or being first in class that mattered the most. What mattered most was a heart that cared for others, for the less fortunate, for the orphan, for the foreigner.  And because I too now am a parent, I do the same. I bring my children  to interior villages, I take them to refugee centers, orphanages and old folks home. For I'd like to pass on what I've learnt, to my children, in hope that they too, like their grandparents will put above all else, a love for God, and a love for those in need.

Some time ago, my dad's friend gave me a photo which he captured. It was a photo of my dad walking in the rain, in a remote village deep in the jungle. I decided to make a painting of it.

Uninspired

This is something I painted today. Feeling uninspired, unmotivated is  a horrid feeling. I walk around feeling listless...itching for something extraordinary to do, longing for something to captivate me and inspire me so much that I wanna sing it, write it or paint it, but nothing comes to mind.

Sure I'm greatly inspired as far as my teaching work with children is concerned, and am GREATly inspired by the continuous work we're doing in the Remote Village. But I'm really "empty" in the inspiration/creative bank. Being a creative person...it's really an unpleasant feeling. I can't quite describe it...it's like waiting for that rainbow or something "wowzers" to hit me that makes me want to jump, makes me wanna work till midnight, makes me want to create something. But here I sit, painting stuff like the painting above and the ones below..which is even worse..all painted half heartedly..with no direction, planning or goals in mind. 

Pathetic water lilies?

Perhaps the state of my mind?

And believe it or not....I even sat down and made up this meaningless song...that'll prove further to you, how unmotivated I have been.







I desperately want something to "stir" me..to bring up the creative side in me again..or I'll continue to feel agitated, "lifeless"..with nothing exciting to do, till the next trip somewhere into the jungle. Am I making sense anyway? coz you know, the uninspired me is affecting the stuff I write too. *sigh*                                                                                                                                                                   

Faces

Oh my blog...how I've neglected you in recent days, which means..oh how I've neglected the usual activities with my children too,, since this blog's pretty much dedicated to stuff for my children to remember. haha... Things have been hectic, but it's all back to normal again now, that is, till Christmas comes around.
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Faces....faces cross my mind each day after work, faces cross my mind before bed...faces of children..of children without parents..abandoned, rejected.. Children forced to defend themselves, sometimes forced to become aggressive and crude, and sometimes left to become so timid and extremely afraid of the world. That's what's been on my mind.

I once wanted to  be a Child Psychologist. I remember getting an acceptance into a university in New Zealand to do Child Psychology, but my mum, reluctant to let go of me at 17 kept me back, and I ended up doing music (which is also my passion). Not by coincidence, by the nature of my job today..indirectly, I've come to learn, and have been learning so much about children..specifically about children who have no real home. Blame it on PMS or mid age hormones, I've sometimes found myself
crying for them.

When I look at the statistics of abandoned children in Malaysia alone..I ask "What can I do?" Last weekend we took in 2 children. When I dropped them off after the weekend, many children at that home ran to the gate to take a peek at us. I wanted to bring them all home, but reality says, I can't, I've got limitations.

My dear husband looked at me and said "Remember the Starfish story? A boy once found thousands and thousands of starfish swept up to shore, left to dry and die. That little boy, wanting to rescue the starfishes, began throwing them into the ocean one at a time, to rescue them. A passerby came by, laughed and jeered at the boy and said "Are you crazy? There are thousands of starfish stranded, how could you possibly help?" The boy replied as he rescued one more starfish "Well, it made a difference to this one."

I was encouraged by that story. In the end, I conclude we cannot save the whole world, only God can do that.  What we can do is make a difference in the lives God has purposefully placed in our lives. I know, He has placed some of these children in my life. I can honestly say, I almost audibly hear His voice saying "Martha, this child, yes, this particular one, will you take him/her under your wing. Make a difference, love him/her as I would."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Pregnancy n Birth

Pregnancy- I hardly reflect on my experiences. But yesterday, a simple sms/request from a dear friend prompted me to think about it. I started thinking in pictures..and at 2am, started sketching these pictures below.

Here's me waiting anxiously for baby. We're past due date and  no dilation. I remember feeling a mixture of emotions..worry, joy, excitement, frustration etc. There's my little dog then (Pronto-who was later stolen) ..  he seemed to understand all that I was feeling and was precious company when hubby was at work.

This was me..still playing piano for church, and the cello in a string quartet. When my baby was born, she recognized the distinct sound of the cello, and she recognized certain piano pieces! Amazing.

This was me..about to give birth. I had pillows tucked everywhere leaving very little space for dear hubby, who's about to drop off the bed here. LOL!

this was us..a few months after baby. I had post partum depression..and often, to lift my spirits, I'd go out with walks..with little Nel holding on to me. Prayer and walks does wonders for the soul
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My 1st birth experience ~ Nel was due about the 20th of the month. Three days later, there were no contractions, no dilation..nothing happening. The doc convinced me that it wasn't good keeping her in there any longer and it was time to bring my baby into the world.

 So we drove to the hospital on the 22nd night, excited and yet anxious, and I was induced. The contractions started shortly after and became more intense as the night passed. It was one of the longest nights I've ever had. The nurse came in and out, and I dreaded it everytime she checked for dilation, for I think she was quite rough. Then somewhere in the middle of the night, I had a bloody show.. but the dilation remained at 2cm.

Early in the morn, the doc arrived and informed me that baby's head just wasn't engaging,  and I would have to have an emergency C-Section.

Against my desire to experience natural birth, I was wheeled into the operating theatre, with anxious hubby waiting outside, praying. By then, my contractions were coming at frequent intervals and was quite painful. I was asked to curl up, while still in a sitting position so the anaesthetist could do a spinal block. But the contractions were coming frequently and it was hard to sit still with that sort of pain. The anaesthetist wasn't very sharp either, and he took about 4 shots before he got it right! Let me tell you, all 4 attempts were horridly painful, and I shiver when I think back.

Well..I had the C..I saw blood splattering on the white cloth that blocked my view from what the doc was doing..I felt a tug, they pushed, and then I heard my baby cry. Really..at that moment, all the frustration and pain from the night before was forgotten. Tears flowed freely as I welcomed my new born baby, Nel.

I had a C-sec with Jo too..and with both, recovery was slow and painful, which is why no matter how much others try to convince me about having a third..I cannot bring myself to it.

I have to say that though I just have 2 girls, they are both precious to me, God's gift to me and my husband, and I could not ask for better. :)

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What was your birth/ pregnancy experience like?