Mum and dementia

Hello blog, it's been a while. My kids are grown, Nel in college and Jo has a little bit more to go before she's done with highschool. There are no more homeschooling tales to tell and there are strict restrictions on what I'm allowed to share of the teens (imposed by them) because privacy of their lives matter. I will update a little about them though in days to come, if I don't neglect this blog again after today.

Instead there are aging tales, of me trying to figure out where should life head from here and how does one deal with peri menopausal symptoms. There are also frequent thoughts on how to make the most of my time with mother as her Alzheimers disease progresses. 

Having little knowledge of the disease at first, I assumed it would merely be a gradual loss of memory, and she'd turn into a mellow little old lady, with talcum covered face, sitting in a rocking chair watching Chinese dramas peacefully. How wrong I was.

Firstly a brain scan showed dead brain matter, and I was informed by the doctor that there's no real cure, and the disease will progress, sometimes slowly, sometimes rapidly. I wasn't prepared for this, but I've read up more on it now and am learning mostly from observing mum.  Dementia affects, memory, cognitive ability, sense of time and space, and even the ability to control moods

She's now vulnerable, subject to people's stares, gossips, "advice", jokes, judgements and even deception.

Just the other day, at a restaurant, she looked at the mirror on the wall, reflecting our seated image. She asked loudly, in a child like manner, "How come you're there too? Look, I can see your back. It looks like you. How come ah?" She repeatedly asked same questions over and over to the guest seated on her right. I sensed and noticed the stares from others at the same table, people began avoiding conversations with her, answering impatiently.

Our weekly routine includes a must-stop at Mr. Diy to buy scissors and knives, a lingerie shop to buy the same rm15 bra, and a pharmacy to buy an eyebrow pencil. This is always followed by her buying her own lime flavoured ice cream at Baskin Robbins. She doesn't ask to walk into any other shops. The sales people know her now. But two weeks ago at Mr. Diy, she filled her basket with the usual, knives, scissors, flower pots, and decided to add a whole bunch of things for Christmas. We then queued to pay. When we finally got to the cashier, she looked at her basket in confusion and asked aloud, "Who put all these things in my basket? These are not mine!" Then she began unloading the basket onto the counter, slowly looking at each object one by one, deciding if she wanted them or not. The queue behind us grew, and people watched us impatiently. I admit, I was a little embarrassed and sorry too for keeping the line waiting.

Mother now wakes at odd hours. She calls at 2am, 4am, she doesn't know if she's eaten or not. She doesn't know when a day begins, and when it ends. She also gets lost easily. One time we went to her favourite Malay store to buy lunch. I gave her a tray, and told her to pick her own dishes. They say allowing her to make her own decisions is good therapy for her. So I left her for a while to pack my own lunch. I saw her ahead of me in the growing crowd of people. By the time I paid for my food, she was missing. In a panic I ran out of the shop and saw her a distance away from me. I called out loudly, "Mum! MUm!!!" She turned, stared at me for a moment, as if not recognizing me, and walked on. I called out again, "Mum!!! It's me, come back this way." After several seconds she said "Oh, and walked back to me." In her mind, she was walking to Angie's music shop. But that shop had moved away  years and years ago, and she knew that before.

Just last weekend, she and I, visited dad's favourite shop. We ordered all his favourite dishes, and then she looked at the menu and said, "I want this too," and pointed at the Hokkien mee. I asked if she was sure coz we sure had ordered plenty already. She insisted and ordered it herself. When the hokkien mee arrived, she looked at it and said, "Yuck, why order this? I hate this noodle."

I was about to explain that to the lady, when she winked at me, and whispered, "I understand. I understand."

For some reason, hearing those words nearly had me in tears. I'm not mum's full time caregiver, I see her only about 3 times in a week coz I work, and still have the teens to manage. But it's been getting increasingly difficult and frustrating. I'm able to be patient with her, but I can't stand it when others treat her or talk to her like she's senile, or when they whisper behind her back. And I also can't stand it when people give lots of unsolicited advice or pile guilt on me. "You Should's".....you should give her this, you should do this and that, "Why Didn't You's" ........

How quick are people to give advice and judge when they're not in my shoes.

Finally here's mum, standing beside a willow tree which grows by the river near a restaurant where she frequently came with dad

before his passing. Taking photo with this tree made her so happy because she said, "Taking photo here makes me think of dad. I wish I could show him this photo." Five minutes later in the car, I showed her the photo and she said, "When did I take this picture? What tree is that?"

@ MarthaJ, poundthegarlic.blogspot.com 2021