23 Sep 2012

The Other Side

I'm feeling better today. For the first time today , the sharp pain in my head each morning is diminishing. It's there but not as severe as the days before. :)

While in the ICU, I had strange dreams and I drew pictures in a sketch book. The nurses were often drawn to my sketches and I wish I could share them with you now, but not yet. Takes time to load and all. Will do soon. In the mean time, here's something I wrote in my diary on the 18th of Sept while in ICU.

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(Abstract from Diary 18th Sept 2012)

My life was on a train that went round in circles, mindless circles. Somehow, one day on a journey, I got pushed out. It was a period of wilderness, worrying, searching, finding.

Then somehow in that wilderness, like a gumball in a machine full of gumballs, I was squished, shaken, pushed through,.... plopping out through a tiny hole.

That's when I found myself on the other side of the world.

 I still see the train, I see people in it who are like who I was. But I see them with a whole new set of eyes. It is strange, but I'm on the other side now and I no longer think the same as before.

For the moment it is my time of healing.  When I'm done, I will look out for those who've been pushed off the train like me, to lend them a helping hand, and  help them realize that they can make it. They can come out whole on the other side.

 And then like me, their views of the world will no longer remain the same.

martha@poundthegarlic.blogspot.com 2012

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19 Sep 2012

Mama's Home

I am blessed because for the duration I was away in hospital 14 days in total, my mum, dad, husband and sis in law took turns looking after my precious girls.

While I was in ICU, I know Jo (the younger) cried coz she desperately wanted to see me but wasn't allowed to do so. She confessed today to me "Mum, I called the hospital and nurse  big, fat and lousy people." I had to talk to her about how it really was the opposite coz they helped me get well. So in return both girls have made thank you cards for the nurses in the hospitals. :)

Oh Jo and Nel..well...mama's home now. I still have weird pains in my head, which I pray daily will fade. We're catching up now on stories and hugs and cuddles. :) 

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I'm grateful to the following team of doctors who saw me  through it all..
Neurosurgeon - Dr. Muruga Kumar
Cardiologist- Dato' Setia Dr. Hj. Anuar Masduki
 Endocrinologist - Dr. Chan Siew Pheng
Anesthesiologist- Dr. Hari Krishnan
ENT-Dr. Ng Kee Sang (Klang)

@poundthegarlic.blogspot.com 2012

18 Sep 2012

post Op.

the operation to remove the tumor from my pituitary gland would be done transsphenoidal. It started at about 830am, and I came out at 1:30 something in the noon. It went well. Will recount event later in time when I feel better. Tumor totally removed. However, 1 week post op I experienced Hyponatremia . The experience was very scary. You can click on link to read, but here were the symptoms I experienced:

Sudden  swelling in hands, inability to focus on anything, numbness and cramps in body, and as the day went on, I lost senses of my body, feeling like I was walking on space and no longer on my legs. Voices seem to come from a distance and I couldn't reply to questions. Extreme headaches, chills, sweaty hands, and palpitations. It came to a point where I thought I would pass out or die. That's when I ended up in the ICU. My sodium dropped to a critical level of 114.

Was in CCU  (as my heartbeat went crazy too)  for 4 days, then 2 days in ordinary ward and finally today I'm discharged. :) i wouldn't say I feel normal yet. each time I get from lying down to sitting up, there is a weird pain in the left side of my head. I'm praying this will heal on its own. Praise God for seeing me through the whole op.  :)

p.s There was yet another assurance of God's love. After I was discharged from CCU, I was sent to the ordinary cardiac ward for another 2 days of observation (all in all about 12 blood tests in total). The morning when I looked out of my hospital room window, I saw a pair of Scaly Breasted Munia birds. They had built a nest right outside my window. They kept me company and reminded me of His love.

@poundthegarlic.blogspot.com 2012

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5 Sep 2012

Check In

Today is the day of check in for my op.  A word that's been coming over and over again to me is the word  JOY. Particularly the Joy of the Lord.

 As I did my devotion yesterday, the verse that popped up was Proverbs 17:22 - "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."    I knew it was for me, because for months now, I've often felt sorrowful for no reason, often asking questions regarding the reason for living.  This is not something I've ever talked about, for I was afraid to let others see my inner thoughts. In my personal journals, I've written things like "I'm hiding in the corners of the earth, Lord, you're calling me, but I've gone too far, too far off."  And last month a friend called to visit, spoke to me, encouraged me, and I told her "You know, the point where you're at your lowest, and you don't know where else to go anymore? I am there now."

Then, what do you know, when the headaches started 2 weeks ago, and the docs told me I had haemorrhage of pituitary macroademona it brought me to a new place of questioning and seeking. I've come to the conclusion, that perhaps this whole thing is a little like the story of Jonah and the Whale. The storm in my situation was the MRI that told me of that tumor. The Whale is the delay before the time of operation. The delay happened because through prayers the headaches and vomiting subsided.

 In this "Whale" I began to find the Lord again. Dealing with many issues. And I came back to the word Joy. Isaiah 55:12 - 13 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed." Despite all I've been doing, the Joy of the Lord had not been present in my life. And now, I've been praying that God give me JOY which comes from Him alone. I'm praying for new vision, new calling and rejuvenated strength to serve Him in a meaningful way.

Continuing on the word Joy, both my daughter's devotion book yesterday talked of the same thing, JOY.  What a surprise it was that when I went downstairs and found that they had created a very pretty hanging mobile with the alphabets JOY  and LOVE .

 I was deeply encouraged, and I'm also deeply convicted that I must share this with my children. For what is the point of homeschooling or parenting if I do it mechanically. Rather, I must teach them about strength that comes from Joy. For that is strength which will carry them through seasons in their own lives. I'm really convicted, and may God grant me ways to overcome myself that I may share God's Joy with them.
Finally, friends who visited and messaged, carried the same message. I know, God has intervened at that lowest point of my life. I may have hidden it all deep within, silently. but God chose to bring me out, that I may serve Him with new strength, purpose and Joy.
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In my garden today...........there were so many beautiful mushrooms...








The Olive backed Sunbird that visited yesterday dropped by again today. And a pair of tailorbirds that built a nest in my garden a few months ago are back. So many visitors indeed. :)



Finally, a song that's been in my mind, Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures here below, Praise Him  ye heavenly host; Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen.

@poundthegarlic.blogspot.com 2012

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3 Sep 2012

Another visitor

As I await for the insurance to confirm payment for my surgery (read last post), I vacillate between feeling totally confident and feeling fear in my heart. It's strange. I guess, googling too much is not good for there is a lot of bad news, and negative feedback about surgeries gone wrong.

There's one thing I've learnt, you can never understand the feelings of someone going through such a situation till you've been in it yourself. The fear is unimaginable, the crying, the surge of strength, the faith, the confusion, the thousands of emotions and  thoughts that flood the mind.

Anyway, while doing my devotion today, the chapter talked on joy. What brings joy. I thought of nature, the things God brought to my garden during that day of confusion that gave me joy. Well, the dragonfly has flown off, and I know it has to in order to find its mate, to continue its generation.

 But I had a new visitor this morning. It made such a ruckus outside my window. I ignored it at first, but it continued impatiently, noisily, distractingly. I looked out, and saw this male Olive Sunbird, enjoying a delicious drink of nectar from my wild banana plant. Alas when I got my camera, I only managed this blur shot, and then it was gone. I guess, God's way of cheering me up. :)

@poundthegarlic.blogspot.com 2012
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